every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
