it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
