1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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