He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
