legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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