My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
