im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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