we have pet lesbian snakes
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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