Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
