Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
