Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
