If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
