Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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