drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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