A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize