Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
