look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
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We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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