so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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