And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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