I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
