I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
