Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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