he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
