the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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