Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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