i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
