how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
