Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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