i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
