the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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