i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
