Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
