youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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