Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
