you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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