So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
