I'm going to jail i love you
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
