All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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