i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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