When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
