if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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