Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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