Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
