Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
