She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
did you just send me my own nude
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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