My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
