I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
