I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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