So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
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All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
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So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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