it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
