I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
