Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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