You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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