Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
