rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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