god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
