We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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